


Dark Abysses

by Woodlie



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alcohol, Child Abuse, Food mentions, Gen, Hurt Tony Stark, Overdose, Past Child Abuse, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Tony Angst, Tony Stark Angst, entire team included
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-19
Updated: 2015-11-19
Packaged: 2018-05-02 08:06:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5240909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Woodlie/pseuds/Woodlie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone's face in the room held shock, no matter how well they managed to hide it. Bruce glanced at Steve and Tony, who had been arguing. Steve's face showed someone who had lost a friend. Tony's showed someone who had tried before, too.</p>
<p>Despite his very near Hulking state, he noticed Tony's expression, and he knew. They both seemed to make an agreement to each other - somehow going unnoticed by everyone else in the room - that Bruce wouldn't tell a soul as long as Tony didn't want him to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dark Abysses

**Author's Note:**

> First fic on this site
> 
> Be safe while reading this

"In case you needed to kill me, but you can't! I know! I tried!"

Everyone's face in the room held shock, no matter how well they managed to hide it. Bruce glanced at Steve and Tony, who had been arguing. Steve's face showed someone who had lost a friend. Tony's showed someone who had tried before, too.

Despite his very near Hulking state, he noticed Tony's expression, and he knew. They both seemed to make an agreement to each other - somehow going unnoticed by everyone else in the room - that Bruce wouldn't tell a soul as long as Tony didn't want him to.  
_______________________

Tony attempted a total of four times.

The first time, he was only eight, and he knew exactly what was happening as he thought about his death. He had managed to make it back to his room, despite the fact that he was aching from the recent beating he had received from Howard. His mother, Maria, was too drunk to care if her husband had beaten her only child. His nanny was no where in sight (she never was) and Jarvis had gone home already.

He collapsed on his bed, feeling his body protest as he landed on a most definitely broken bone. He was bleeding pretty bad. If he didn't summon a servant to take him to a hospital soon, the chances of him bleeding out were 99.78%.

He knew he would probably die. But for some reason, as he drifted off, he couldn't bring himself to care if he did wake up.

He woke up in a hospital. Apparently, a maid had came in and found him. His parents weren't there to see if he was okay.  
_______________________

The second time was when he was at college. The only good things about college was he could get away from Howard and his mother, and he managed to get a friend, Rhodey. But that was it. Teachers didn't think he was smart enough to actually be in MIT. The students were jealous of him. (He never understood why. He was the screw up with no talent who only got in because of Howard.)

Rhodey wasn't with him. He was taking a test. And of course Tony knew that Rhodey had to take his tests so he could actually pass college (the entire point of attending a school) but sometimes Tony's thoughts were a lot.

He usually thought about how Howard wasn't proud when he got into college. Howard hadn't even seen Tony off to college. His mother had, and she was considerably less drunk thank usual, but she was still significantly tipsy.

They probably wouldn't care if he died. They didn't care all the other times he was hospitalized from Howard's beatings, and they certainly didn't care that time he attempted suicide.

Maybe that's what brought him sitting in his dormitory's floor with the blades from a razor in his hand. There were other scars on his forearms from past years where he had cut himself, never really trying to kill himself, but if he happened to bleed out then so be it.

Tony nimbly held the thin blade in between his fingers. Could he really do this? He concentrated hard on the blade. He wasn't scared of the blade that could possibly end his life, and yet, as he held the blade, his hand shook violently. He slowly brought the edge of the blade down to the skin of his wrist and pressed it into the flesh and slowly etched the sharp edge across his sensitive wrist. He winced and gritted his teeth together.

He drew the blade away and observed the crimson blood feeling from the deep cut. He had done it. He watched the blood ooze out of the wound in his wrist before repeating the process on the other wrist. After the deed was done, he opened his palm and let the blade fall from his hand. Then he settled back on the bed. He closed his eyes as a small smile grazed his lips.

When he opened his eyes again, the first thing his senses register was the familiar beeping of a heart monitor, and he knew he didn't succeed in his attempt. His vision was slightly blurred, but after a few seconds he saw Rhodey sitting next to him in one of the uncomfortable hospital chairs.

Rhodey looked up, and at first Tony thought he would be mad and yell, but the man carefully launched himself onto Tony, delicately avoiding the wires he was plugged up to, bringing him into an embrace.

"Don't do that again," Rhodey ordered. "Please."

So he would try. He could try. For Rhodey.  
_______________________

The third time was after his parents' funeral. It was short, and no one offered their condolences to him. Rhodey wasn't with him, he was taking courses at the university and none of the professors would let him out if the world depended on it.

And Tony did try - he really did - to keep his promise, but he just didn't see the point. Obie could take care of Stark Industries. Rhodey would be fine if he died. Rhodey was strong. Tony wasn't.

He was in a hotel room. The bottle of antidepressants he held rattled as he opened the lid. He thought about taking one pill at a time, but then he thought about it. He would probably rethink his decision and stop after two pills. He dumped the remnants of the bottle into his palm, and before he could question himself, he shoved them into his mouth.

About half an hour later, he thought he heard Howard. But Howard was dead, right? Tony didn't know anymore. He was sweating and shaking and he felt so tired. He felt dizzy and the world wouldn't stop spinning. His eyelids started to droop, and he could feel his heart rate slow down.

He closed his eyes.

When he woke up, the familiar smell of sterilization hit him and he knew he didn't succeed in his attempt. His throat felt mutilated, and he had an intense fire in his stomach.

Rhodey was sitting next to him, just like last time. He was staring at him, and Tony probably would've made a sarcastic comment, despite the situation, if it wasn't for his throat. He wanted to know how he got here, but the possibilities were narrowed down to a maid finding him.

"I'm gonna get you help," Rhodey decided.

Tony couldn't speak. He didn't know if he wanted to protest, or if he wanted help, but he trusted Rhodey.

He nodded, trying to signal his faith in his best friend - that he would trust him for help - and Rhodey smiled sadly.  
_______________________

The fourth time was at the Battle of New York when he flew into the portal. He hadn't cut for ten years, let alone attempt suicide again, but the chance Fury was giving him was perfect. He could end his life, and it would be an accident. A selfless act for the world. It was only Rhodey who would know that it wasn't a sacrifice, it was a hopeless act of despondency.  
_______________________

Natasha was the first to find out. It had been Rhodey who had told her.

"Can you do me a favor?" he asked as he pulled her aside from the party the two were currently attending.

She didn't respond, but he seemed to take it as a yes.

"Can you just keep an eye on Tony?"

She wasn't expecting that. She was expecting him to ask her something about a mission, or something, because that was usually what he asked her about. Granted, he had never pulled her aside for it, but sometimes people had weird quirks.

"What do I need to be looking for?" Natasha asked. He could be asking for her to keep an eye on his alcohol consumption, or the number of girls he brings into his room.

"Just, you know..." Rhodey trailed off, and she stared at him, unamused. "Just look for cuts on his wrists, or anywhere, I guess."

"You want me to watch him to see if he hurts himself?" She didn't know he had a history of doing anything, but Tony was a bit reckless when it came to his own safety.

Rhodey seemed to be mulling over the question, obviously unsure of giving away such personal information about his best friend to a woman who could stab you in the back without a moment's hesitation. "Yeah," he confirmed. "He used to, um, he cut. A lot. And he's attempted suicide before. So it'd just be good if you looked out for him."

Natasha was trained to read people. She knew how much Rhodey was concerned over her teammate, and she was, too. She had never known Tony would want to end his life. Why would he? It was going great, as far as she could tell.

But then again, she was trained to feel little - if at all - emotion. So maybe things had happened to him that she didn't know about. She would protect him, because he was her friend. And she didn't have many friends. So she would protect the ones she had.

(A week later, she found him in the kitchen, his eyes staring at a knife on the counter longingly, and she knew he wanted to. So she started talking to him about the movie they had all seen yesterday, and they somehow managed to wind up in the lounge in a heated argument about who really loved who. He had surprised her with a hug, obviously thanking her for stopping him without making a big deal about to the others on the team - which would've made it worse. She returned it.)  
_______________________

Clint had just gotten back from a mission. The mission had gone mostly successful, all things considered. But he was still tired, sore, and he was suffering from what he suspected a sprained his wrist.

So when he arrived back at Stark Towers, he just wanted to sleep. Then Natasha came across him, and from her apparel it was obvious she was going on a mission of her own, which was completely okay, but when she looked like she was going to ask him for something, he knew she needed a favor from him.

"Do something for me." It wasn't a question, it was a command.

He suppressed the groan that was threatening to overtake him. "Sure."

"Watch Stark for me until I get back."

That caught him off guard. Tony didn't need a personal babysitter (he had Pepper). So why would Natasha ask him for something like that?

The confusion must've been evident on his face, because she said: "He's having a bad day."

That immediately set off alarm bells in Clint's mind. To them, a bad day was when you remembered things like the Red Room.

Clint didn't know much about Tony. He knew he could be an asshole. He knew he could be selfish. But he didn't know Tony could have bad days.

"He might hurt himself," Natasha confined when Clint failed to say something back. "On purpose. Just, you know, stay with him. I told him I was going to tell you. He knows that you'll be there."

"Okay," he agreed.

She walked off, and Clint started to head down to Tony's lab.  
_______________________

Steve was in the kitchen when Tony walked in, looking like he hadn't had any sleep in the past few days. Tony was wearing an AC/DC T-shirt, his Arc Reactor glowing faintly underneath it. He had grease stains all over his jeans and shirt, and he didn't have shoes on, so you could see his mismatched socks.

Steve expected Tony to grab a mug and fill it with coffee and then immediately head back down to his lab, but instead the inventor grabbed a banana from the fruit basket, which was right next to Steve.

Steve hadn't meant to stare at Tony's arms - because that was undeniably creepy. He had just glanced down at them and frowned when he saw the scarred lines that littered them.

Even in Tony's sluggish state, he must've noticed Steve's stare, and he brought his arms up to his chest, forearms pressed against his shirt, banana in hand. There were a few awkward, tense moments, and then Tony shuffled out of the room, not looking back at Steve.

Steve never mentioned it, but only because of one reason. The scars were old, and there were never any new ones.  
_______________________

Thor did not always understand Midguardian ways. He especially did not understand why someone like Tony - why anyone in general - would purposely harm themselves. He had overheard Natasha's confession to Clint, stating that Tony might purposely hurt himself. But Tony had always held himself with such pride in himself.

After all, Tony Stark had many great achievements. He was light years ahead of any other human, with the intelligence to easily distract any enemy and figure out their plan within seconds.

Despite Thor not fully understanding the concept of the lines that Tony marked himself with, he understood that sometimes people were in bad places. But people always managed to crawl out of those dark abysses, and Tony was no exception.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a while ago and decided to post it here. I hope you enjoyed.
> 
> EDIT: I recently made a [Tumblr](https://woodlie.tumblr.com/) (Woodlie) so I can receive prompts (and hopefully get some suggestions on who to follow!)


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